V(hearse)

If you’ve written any original funny four-liners and would like to submit them to us for consideration here, please email them to us at info@tgaps.net.

Roses are red
and violets are purple.
If you give me your love,
I’ll give you my gurple.

(What is a gurple? Whatever you want it to be.)

If the modern man’s insecure in bed,
tie his arms and legs with the sheets instead
of letting him roam all over the mattress
looking for the perfect 20-year-old mistress.

Coyright 2005 by D.D. Dinardi

The problem with the modern woman
is she thinks she’s the modern man.
But that’s just half of her dilemma.
She’s the man who hates all women.

Those men who question one-party rule
don’t like the booze that’s been served.
They’d rather the punch in the one-party bowl
wasn’t served with the one-party hearse.

If the beautiful lady’s no more an enchantress
and love’s withered into a weathered toad
and the ex-enchantress hops and ignores you,
demand a divorce. It’s time to unload.

To catch the public eye
you got to wear short hearts
and low-cut minds and
show the world your parts.

To overthrow the status quo
you got to pay your blues.
If you can’t afford to think alone,
your thoughts will be old news.

When laughter sits across your lips,
when smiles grip your thighs,
when dreams sing songs around your hips,
HAPPY happens by.

Yes anything goes
until everything goes
and that’s how it goes
as it goes along.

A lot of people are doing a lot of looking
and hoping to do a lot of finding
but in the end just doing enough finding
to keep them looking for more.

Life is short and life is sweet
and always knocks you off your feet.
But never cry and don’t despair.
You can always buy more underwear.

The existing social order
is command from the top
of society and desire
to exist without stop.

Technology overwhelms the mindless biologic state
by massing computer armies on the borders of mind’s face
and blitzkrieging electrically the uninhabited space
between mind’s tickertaped cheekbones and mind’s untied shoelace.

When life backfires and boomerangs and fun ricochets off your face,
it’s time to rethink paradise and hope happiness comes to play.
When love backfires and boomerangs and joy ricochets off your face,
it’s time to rethink happiness and hope paradise comes to stay.

She was fat and she was ugly and she said
she was too old and she said she wasn’t
touchable anymore but he would have
tried her if only she had smiled.

From the corner of my eye I see imaginary things.
A wizard and a sorceress are loving on the green.
They writhe to magic formulas and then they slowly part.
And on the grass at my feet I see the birth of art.

Ideological intellectuals
eat terminolgy for victuals
and choke on the bones of rituals
technologically ineffectual.

Who knows where he was before he was born
knows where he was when he was not.
Who knows where he’ll be after he be dead
knows where he’ll be when he be not.

The welfare class, the working class, and the leisure class
comprise the spectrum of American society.
Anybody else unpolitely excluded
is probably unsuited to a state of sobriety.

Never in the history of mankind has womankind been known
to set up her own society and put mankind out for loan.
If ever in the history of mankind should womankind pursue it,
perhaps she might just try her design around the earth in orbit.

So what does a lady say when she’s getting 86′d
from a poetry reading for being drunk and disorderly?
She lies poetically. "Hey man, take your hands off me.
Can’t you see that I’m expecting a baby?

Dumb good guys say the wrong thing and do the right thing.
Dumb bad guys say the wrong thing and do the wrong thing.
Smart good guys say the right thing and do the right thing.
Smart bad guys say the right thing and do the wrong thing.

a mer o kin
a mor o can
a mor o cuz
a mor o coin

And she sat up on the table and she saw
the mess in the jar and she screamed at the top
of her lungs, "Oh my god I’ve killed my baby?"
And she never saw him again and that was the end of that.

As if he got on the wrong spaceship
and ended up in the wrong galaxy,
he shuffled down the bus, stopped by my side
and desperately asked, "What planet are we on?"

All the chicks think he’s a wolf
for chasing that bird all the cats think a pig
but she’s a tigress calling him an animal
for treating her like a dog when she knows she’s a fox.

She had ‘the-great-idea’ chair at the little window table.
Her body was inside but her mind walked about.
I sat at a corner table in ‘a-minor-thought’ chair
writing this little poem you’re reading right now.

po et
po eat
po id
po ode

There is a garden in her face;
The rose and lily advertise her:
Would that God would give me grace
To become her fertilizer.

When you’ve got it all and it’s still not enough
and your cravings brawl for more and more stuff
and you know no end to this insane need,
you’re suffering, friend, from quote unquote greed.

The American Man gets out of bed and goes to work
to make the American Woman perfectly happy.
The American Woman gets into bed and goes to work
to make the American Man perfectly happy.

Copyrigth 2007 by Connor Case

He moved in front of her.
"Got a quarter, lady?"
"Yeah, I got a quarter."
And she kept on walking.

The separation of church and state
guarantees freedom of awe.
The separation of school and state
would create freedom of thought.

To ward off the evil eye
of I-me-and-my
cross your mind with ego mines
and hug your heart nine times.

Morning, noon and night
it was football on TV.
He watched and watched and watched
and never saw her leave.

I am so narcissistic
that when you look in the mirror,
the face looking back
is Me.

Roses are red and violets are blue.
If I stood here naked, what would you do?
Roses are blue and violets are red.
If you stood here naked, I’d take you to bed.

When happenstance scares you to life
and forces you to claf and sliv,
perhaps you’ll grak and shrib yourself
way out beyond the blinking gliv.

That old poet just broke up
with poetry yesterday;
posterity got the poems
at the custody hearing.

As I follow life to conclusion,
I know in my mind the score.
I journey toward what awaits me.
I know in my heart there’s more.

You need peripheral vision to see
into the peripheral dimension
where peripheral creatures live
peripheral lives peripherally.

He was aloof to intrigue and the gossip of clix.
He was not sympathetic to petty politix.
But he would ask you questions about the fate of men
who wonder why frogs get kissed by countless women.

I know where poets go to die.
It’s poets’ heaven, that pigstye
of death-enhancing poetry,
creative-writing blowitry -
higher than the highest high!

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